Forsaken October Angel

Oh October, you have once again forsaken me.

I'M SICK!!!!!!!

One of your own children.

Stuffed up nose and sinuses. Hacking cough.

There's nothing like it in the whole wide world.

It's bad though that I know it's going to happen.

Bring on November!

Few and Far Between

Did I mention that October is a tiring month for me?

I love Fall and all the holidays from Halloween to New Years but it is such a tiring time.

Work...busy...ordering product, decorating for the holidays, coordinating special events and sales...in reality it's just plain hectic.

Home...tired...cleaning, cooking, laundry and the cats...I love the cats and their fur loves my clothes.

Social Life...apple picking, fall festivals, farmers markets, the leaves turning, than parties, parties, parties...did I mention parties?

Me...my 41st birthday, finishing a crochet project, finish the newest book for book club...finish anything.

Ah, October...how I love you.

I'm Tired

It's October and I am tired. Actually only day 2 of October and I'm tired. In 22 more days, I'll be 41 and I am getting tired.

October is a hard month for me. I don't care about getting older, that is inevitable. There is always so much to do in the store, with friends, with family, just in general and I'm tired.

My October has already started out tiresome. I'm already tired. I need about a week off and that is not going to happen.

Oh well, it's October, what else can I expect.

Give, Give, Give, Take ,Take, Take

Have you ever known somebody who expects you to give, give, give while all they do is take, take, take?

I know people like that only too well and it surprises me.

I don't understand how selfish people can be, or how they don't realize that they have responsibilities just like the rest of us and it is not our job to constantly bail them out.

I'm sick of it. I work, I pay my bills, I have some extra money to get by on  and yet there is always someone who wants to take advantage of me and have me bail their a$$ out of something they did.

And I'm not talking about kids or teenagers, hell I'm not even talking about 20 or 30 somethings, I'm talking about older people. People who should know better and should know how to handle money and responsibilities but instead act like they are children that should be taken care of.

It is unbelievable. And all I know is that I am done with it. It is over.

Still Trying To Figure It Out

I'm still trying to figure all this blog stuff out. I am only writing for my self at the moment and maybe forever but that doesn't bother me. I'm just surprised at how little I know and understand about computers.

Before I went to college in 1988, I had never even touched a computer. I remember walking in the bookstore on campus and seeing all the computers and wanting one so badly. I was 17 at the time and had no money whatsoever, so how would I be able to afford one.

I wasn't able to purchase a computer than. I did not purchase my first computer until I was 31.

I have to give credit to my college though, they tried to teach someone like me about computer but I never had any formal training. One of my first basic English classes was actually a computer class. Ahhh...the floppy disk. I could get by with using WordPerfect but my lack of computer skills were much more evident in my computer labs.

I attend college as a Chemistry major (maybe not my brightest decision). When we did lab experiments, all our data needed to be entered into the computer so that graphs and the like could be produced. That was the worst thing I ever had to do. It use to take me 3 or 4 times longer than every one else.

I'm still not those most computer literate person but I can at least hold my own.

To Know Or Not?

Has there ever been something you knew, you wish you didn't and vice versa?

I wish I knew why I am the way I am. Does that make sense?

I guess this has all come about because of the people around me. I have always said that I have a lot of useless knowledge in my head. And I do. My brain holds on to things for some reason and I'm not sure why.

Sometimes I can't put the right words together, I am socially awkward (although most people don't believe it) and I am a huge klutz (slipping on the step this afternoon and falling and hurting myself makes that one pretty evident). These are just some signs of Aspergers, a high functioning form of autism.

I would have never thought of myself as having Aspergers until listening to a friend discuss her child and his diagnosis. It all seemed very familiar.

How as an adult to I go about finding out if maybe I do have Aspergers? It would possibly explain so much.

Not to sound like a freak because those closest to me know it anyway but I have a strange way of eating. One of the signs of Aspergers is patterns. There is something that I have always done when I eat. Now I am not one of those people who can not stand their food to touch or does not mix their food (although only certain foods do mix well). No, if I have 4 different things on my plate, I have toeat all of 1 before I can eat the next and so on and on. I'm not saying that means I have Apergers, it could just be another sign.

It is the way my mind works. And I am not sure what it all means, if anything at all.

Family

What is a family? I have my parents, brother and grandmother but other than that who are my family? I have many extended relatives but none of them have ever felt like family. Over the years I have considered many of my friends as extended members of my family. Ones that have seem me through some of the toughest times of my life.
The friends that have become like family to me have because of the acceptance of me. My family also accepts me. The problem tends to be me. My parents have given me so much, I am afraid that some of the decisions I have made in my life would be a great disappointment to them. That is of course, my take on the situation. I don't know how my parents would really react because there have been some things I have not told them about or confided in. That is when my friends become my family.
Just like my parents, brother and grandmother, I am extremely grateful for my friend family.

One and Only Parents

I have to admit, sometimes I watch, that train wreck of a television show, Teen Mom. It is hard not to be judgmental of these girls. I try not to but I can't help it, c'mon I'm not perfect. My issue though is with the look at adoption.

One of the young girls gave her child up for adoption. I completely applaud her for that. But I am not for open adoptions. Although that is just my personal opinion. I have done no study on the subject so I am not an expert, what I am is a child of adoption.

I was adopted in November 1970, by my parents. They are the only parents I know and will ever know. There may be a man and woman out there that I share DNA with but it could never be compared to the things I share with my parents. And there will only be 1 person I call Moma and 1 person I call Dad.

So the question is what makes a parent? Everybody has an answer, so what is the right one. That is another blog because this is always an ongoing subject in my life.

True Friends

In this day and age it is so hard to make true friends. Those who understand you and really want to get to know you. I am just as guilty as anyone. I hate to be that way but I so enjoy my life alone.

I have always tried to explain to people the difference between being alone and being lonely. Most people thing they are the same thing. They are not. I love being alone but I am never lonely.

Maybe it is the fact that I feel my connection to people is not as strong as some others would be. I am fiercely independent, in all aspects of my life. Oh, that can be a huge fault in a lot of peoples' eyes but for me I feel it is not a weakness but a strength. It has made me take steps to ensure that I have control of my life.

The Heart of the Matter

My family is the most important thing, even if we, like most families today, are dysfunctional. But that could be for another blog, this one is about how grateful I am for my family. I am who I am because of my family. I have my flaws, I have weaknesses but I am also strong and compassionate. I am the best and worst of everything that is my family.

All of this pours over into my everyday life. I am loyal...to a fault..if you are my friend or my employer, maybe even a somewhat acquaintance, I will be steadfast in my loyalty until I feel I have been wronged,than WATCH OUT

It's another one of those traits of my birth sign. We, Scorpios, have a tendency to not be able to let things go, which means I can hold a grudge. It also doesn't help that we tend to be introverts, which means that I like to be alone. I feel more alive when I am alone, which means I do not feel that I need many friends.

I have recently had an experience that only further proves the traits of my birth sign suit me to a 'T'.

But no matter to any of this when it comes to my family and those I consider my family, I will be there for them forever.

Smartphone, my a$$!

Unbelievable! Well most people would think that anyway. I still have cell phone service from Alltel and they are driving me crazy. It all started when I moved. The area I was living in was not switching but staying an Alltel market and for me to switch to a new provider in my new area would mean I would have to pay the ETF. Well screw that...instead I kept my phones with Alltel. I've always had good service from them so I didn't worry. But now they are just pissing me off. Earlier this year I upgraded to one of their Smartphones, well what they considered a Smartphone, really it just has email and internet access. But earlier this week, my email stopped working. So I called on Tuesday from a landline, waited over 30 minutes for a representative and than could not hear a damn thing she said, although I kept telling her I couldn't hear her. So I hung up. Now I've been on hold for almost an hour and have not heard a peep from a representative. If I can't get my email back than I'll just scale down my plan and save myself $75 a month. Make it easier for me.

Purified through the fire

I have always been fascinated by mythology, astrology and all in all spirituality. So imagine my surprise when I found out that one of the three totems of my astrological birth sign, Scorpio, is the Phoenix. That mythical creature of death and rebirth. A new life rising from the ashes of the last life. A cycle that repeats itself over and over again. A pattern that I am all too familiar with. My life, like the Phoenix, is a never ending cycle of death and rebirth. I am ever evolving and this blog will be one more forum for my never ending evolution.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.
Bill Hicks